Comedic Monologues
We’ve compiled a selection of some of the best short-form comedic monologues from theatre, film and television that will provide you with a chance to showcase your abilities to deliver humour with precision.
These well-crafted narratives are a masterclass in timing, wit, and character insight – perfectly blending clever dialogue with the absurd to captivate and entertain audiences.
Comedic Monologues For Women
1. A Midsummer Night’s Dream (Theatre)
Helena: Act 2, Scene 2“O, I am out of breath in this fond chase!
The more my prayer, the lesser is my grace.
Happy is Hermia, wheresoe’er she lies;
For she hath blessed and attractive eyes.
How came her eyes so bright? Not with salt tears:
If so, my eyes are oftener wash’d than hers.
No, no, I am as ugly as a bear;
For beasts that meet me run away for fear:
Therefore no marvel though Demetrius
Do, as a monster fly my presence thus.
What wicked and dissembling glass of mine
Made me compare with Hermia’s sphery eyne?
But who is here? Lysander! on the ground!
Dead? or asleep? I see no blood, no wound.
Lysander if you live, good sir, awake”
2. Bridesmaids (Film)
Megan:I think you’re ready to hear a little story about a girl named Megan who didn’t have a very good time in high school. I’m referring to myself when I say Megan, it’s me Megan. I know you look at me now and think, boy she must have breezed through high school. Not the case Annie.
This was not easy going up and down the halls with. They used to try to blow me up. People used to throw firecrackers on my head in high school. Firecrackers, literally, not figuratively. They called me a freak. Do you think I let that stop me? Do you think I went home crying to my mommy, “Oh, I don’t have any friends.” I did not. You know what I did? I pulled myself up, I studied hard, I read every book in the library and now I work for the government and have the highest possible security clearance. Don’t repeat that. I cannot protect you. I know where all the nukes are and I know the codes.
You would be amazed, a lot of shopping malls. Don’t repeat that.
3. “Fleabag” (TV)
Belinda:
Listen, I was in an aeroplane the other day, and I realised—well, I mean, I’ve been longing to say this out loud—women are born with pain built in. It’s our physical destiny. Period pain, sore boobs, childbirth, you know. We carry it within ourselves, throughout our lives. Men don’t. They have to seek it out. They invent all these gods and demons and things just so they can feel guilty about things—which is something we do very well on our own.
And then they create wars so they can feel things and touch each other. And when there aren’t any wars, they can play rugby. And we have it all going on in here, inside. We have pain on a cycle for years and years and years. And then, just when you feel you are making peace with it all, what happens? The menopause comes. The fucking menopause comes! And it is the most wonderful fucking thing in the world. And yes, your entire pelvic floor crumbles, and you get fucking hot, and no one cares—but then, you’re free. No longer a slave. No longer a machine with parts. You’re just a person. In business.
Comedic Monologues For Men
1. Key Exchange (Theatre)
Philip:
So great. So we get keys made for each other’s apartments. So then you know what happens? I’ll tell you what happens.
Maybe one night I’m at a party, a bar, whatever, and I met a girl, and right off we know it’s a mutual attraction situation, and we have a little chat and a drink maybe, and next thing you know we’re in a cab, and there’s a physical thing that’s happening, and we’re chewing each other’s faces and trying to decide where to go, you know, your place or mine, only hold the phone here, there is no decision to be made, because you’ve got a key to my place, and I don’t know if you’ve dropped by or what, and I don’t want to chance putting either you or me in that awkward situation, so it’s off to her place somewhere in the East Eighties where I’ve got to climb over her two roommates and three cats to do it on a foam mattress on the floor real, real quiet like because Sally my roommate has a commercial callback at nine- thirty in the morning and this whole time I’m having some resentment towards you because your having a key meant that it had to be the cats and the floor and Sally the roommate asleep or nothing.
2. 500 Days of Summer (Film)
Tom:
Alison? Listen… It’s great to meet you, really. You’re a very attractive girl. But I should tell you right off the bat … this is not going anywhere.
It’s not you. It’s me. You seem like a real sweet girl and I, just, I don’t want you to get hurt. You know what I mean?
I know we just met like 3 minutes ago but you’re probably looking for someone to get serious with, someone with potential … someone who will take you out to eat a few times, see a movie, fool around a little bit, next thing you know we’re getting a dog and you’re moving in. And that’s not me. You want to come inside, have some chicken fingers awesome. But that other stuff I gotta tell you upfront… I’m just not ready, Alison.
I liked this girl. Loved her even. And what did she do? She took a giant shit on my face. Literally. Not literally. Jesus, that’s disgusting, what’s wrong with you? The point is I’m messed up. On one hand, I want to forget her. On the other, I think she’s the only person on Earth who can make me happy.
Every time I think I’m over the hump, I’ll have a dream or I’ll see some girl who looks like her from the back. And that’s it. Back to square one. And you know what… I’m gonna get her back.
3. Brooklyn 99 (TV)
Captain Holt:
Nothing’s okay. Wuntch is circling me like a shark frenzied by chum. The task force turning into a career-threatening quagmire. An Internal Affairs investigation casting doubt upon my integrity.
And you ask, is everything okay? I am buffeted by the winds of my foe’s enmity and cast about by the towering waves of cruel fate. Yet I, a Captain, am no longer able to command my vessel, my precinct, from my customary helm, my office. And you ask, is everything okay? I’ve worked the better part of my years on earth overcoming every prejudice and fighting for the position I hold, and now I feel it being ripped from my grasp, and with it the very essence of what defines me as a man. And you ask, is everything okay?
Billy Milionis is one of the few Australians to have ever studied under the legendary master teacher, the late Sanford Meisner. Billy has also studied story structure and scene analysis techniques with John Truby and later at UCLA. He has also spent several years doing improvisation in Hollywood with the L.A. Connection. In addition, he trained in the technique of Stella Adler, Practical Aesthetics and Lee Strasberg’s method.